Massive Secrecy

PM May: “I take it that this room has been thoroughly scrubbed for espionage devices”

Junker: “It has indeed. We have our personal recorders and I am sure that you have. Let us put them on the table. To be certain that there are no other devices, it is in both our interests that our guards, yours and ours, frisk each of us”.

PM May: “Agreed”.

PM May: “Now then, Mr Junker, you know that there is only one stumbling block in the ‘Leave Agreement’ which matters. It is the Irish backstop. We have carefully built it up to such a level that there will be immense relief if a time limit is placed upon it – say, five years. In return, we shall agree to pay the £39 billion per an for those five years. What do you say?”

Junker: “It is not possible…. Unless a certain phraseology is used, and it must be done quickly. The phraseology must be not perfectly clear in French, German, etc, but appear to be perfectly certain in English. We have already worked out such a statement. It must not be issued publicly until the last possible moment. But how sure are you that the £39 billion will be voted through?”

PM May: “It is only the number ’39’ with lots of zeros after it. MPs are used to comparing ’39’ with ‘359’ and and reckoning that 39 is only about 10% of 359. Most MPs do not do maths. In any case, it is only taxpayers’ money. What does it matter? A few will whinge, but most will not give damn. Most of them demand that billions be spent in their areas and constituencies.  It is normal to think in billions. It is very unlikely that payments will derail the passage of the Bill. Further, the payments will be made only for the five years. Who know what will happen in that time?”

Junker: “Here is a copy marked ‘Top Secret’ of the phraseology. You need to get it assessed by your own trusted people. I trust that you can arrange things so that copies are available only for discussion and are destroyed forthwith thereafter. Participants must be made aware of the ‘Dr Kelly Syndrome’ as well as the phrase ‘death by a thousand cuts’. The objective is to ensure that the phraseology is open to interpretation in different languages”

PM May: “Our security services are second to none. We know everything there is to know about every single MP, and their wives and girlfriends. Nothing escapes us. it is rare that such knowledge needs to be brought to bear, but Brexit is the biggest thing for centuries. The UK will leave the EU, as demanded by The People, but gradual integration will continue”

Junker: “I’ll communicate with the others and see what they say. In the meantime, study the phraseology. I see no reason that an accommodation should not be secured. You need to be able to enter the House of Commons waving a piece of paper and calling out, “Peace in our time!”